Sunday, February 4, 2018

Profound Realizations

 This is me in a dressing room yesterday, Saturday, February 3, 2018.  I tried
several size 8 pants but they were too big so I tried 6 petites and that's what I ended up with.

So, I'm smaller now than I have been in 30 years.  I haven't been this size since before I had children.  Reason for celebration and excitement...right?  You'd think so, but no.

This last week a profound sadness came over me.  As I continue to get smaller I feel like I am mourning a previous life that I can't go back to.  In my workplace my friends and coworkers routinely order in all kinds of meals that I no longer eat.  They routinely bring in sweets to share that I no longer can indulge in.  They routinely ask me if I want anything and I always say thank you but no.

I don't know any other vegans and I feel very isolated most of the time.  I feel like I have to keep up my defenses all the time because the temptation is always there to go backwards.  I still like the scent of meat even though I don't really want to eat any.  The smell of McDonalds drives me crazy.  I don't want to eat that stuff because I know how unhealthy it is, but Dam is smells good.  It's like crack and I'm the addict.  I know I cannot take even one bite because I won't be able to stop even though it's not something I want to put in my body.

I can never go back.  I'm too old to start over again.  This is my life now.  While my husband eats the homemade chili with cheese, sour cream and crackers I eat a pound of salad.  Today we went out to lunch.  He had a huge fish sandwich that smelled so good.  I had a veggie burger that clearly did not taste anything like a meat burger.  That's my life from now on.

This last week I was so depressed about that.  Sometimes success is bittersweet.  I know I'm doing the right thing for myself.  I don't want to go back and yet there's something about that past life that I miss. 

Is this what maintenance feel like? 





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