Profound Realizations

 This is me in a dressing room yesterday, Saturday, February 3, 2018.  I tried

several size 8 pants but they were too big so I tried 6 petites and that's what I ended up with.

So, I'm smaller now than I have been in 30 years.  I haven't been this size since before I had children.  Reason for celebration and excitement...right?  You'd think so, but no.

This last week a profound sadness came over me.  As I continue to get smaller I feel like I am mourning a previous life that I can't go back to.  In my workplace my friends and coworkers routinely order in all kinds of meals that I no longer eat.  They routinely bring in sweets to share that I no longer can indulge in.  They routinely ask me if I want anything and I always say thank you but no.

I don't know any other vegans and I feel very isolated most of the time.  I feel like I have to keep up my defenses all the time because the temptation is always there to go backwards.  I still like the scent of meat even though I don't really want to eat any.  The smell of McDonalds drives me crazy.  I don't want to eat that stuff because I know how unhealthy it is, but Dam is smells good.  It's like crack and I'm the addict.  I know I cannot take even one bite because I won't be able to stop even though it's not something I want to put in my body.

I can never go back.  I'm too old to start over again.  This is my life now.  While my husband eats the homemade chili with cheese, sour cream and crackers I eat a pound of salad.  Today we went out to lunch.  He had a huge fish sandwich that smelled so good.  I had a veggie burger that clearly did not taste anything like a meat burger.  That's my life from now on.

This last week I was so depressed about that.  Sometimes success is bittersweet.  I know I'm doing the right thing for myself.  I don't want to go back and yet there's something about that past life that I miss. 

Is this what maintenance feel like? 

It's Time to Weigh In

It's been a month since I weighed.  I struggled so much during December that I was afraid to weigh.  I know I gained several pounds because I could tell the difference in how my clothing was fitting.

So this last week I was back on plan, eating right and exercising every day.  I did everything right, kept to the plan and when I weighed on Saturday the scale said 137.  That exactly what I weighed at the end of November.  So the plan works.  I  It got me down almost 5o pounds and it will take me down into the 120's, where I'll start maintenance.

This morning I told my husband that I want to get down one more size and then I'm done trying to loose weight.  He said, "you know that means nothing will change".  He's right.  In order to maintain I'll have to go on working the plan, eating how I'm eating now and exercising every day, twice a day.  It won't get easier.

If anything, it's getting harder.  I understand why the vast majority of those who loose weight gain it all back within a year.  The end of a successful weight loss journey is the beginning of the struggle to keep it off.  For me it's quite easy to stay on task during my work week.  It the weekends where I struggle.  And vacations are a nightmare.

As long as I'm working full time I'll be safe.  I don't think I can ever retire.